Wednesday, July 6, 2016


My Michael is out. He brought the kids to school this morning as I was not feeling well and then proceeded to his workplace. After the morning rush and cajoling  the kids to eat their breakfast , take a bath, brush their teeth, wear their uniforms  ( all in 45 minutes tops) and then have Mommy fix the little girl’s hair, I feel a spiraling down of adrenaline  as I sat here alone in front of my computer. Suddenly, there was quiet, a little time squeezes in to reflect on the events of the past 5 days. You see, just last weekend I found I was pregnant  or should I say I am pregnant, one can’t really be sure what the right grammar to use at this situation. Everything was stacked against the little one from the moment that he made his presence felt three times via a pregnancy test kit result  and  his mother’s reaction has ranged from extreme shock, hysterics and denial. Yes, this one was definitely unplanned. The financial implications, the sacrifices that would come with his birth have been primary on his parents’ minds. And so as to get professional confirmation of his existence, an ultrasound was in order. And there he was, hanging midway from the opening of the fallopian tube going into the uterus, uncertain of taking the plunge. The chances of him surviving is very very low said my OB. Even if he did decide to fall rightfully into the uterus in the next week , my endometrium lining is too thin and below normal and he will not be able to implant properly. However, the doctor said the little one is a jumper as he was conceived from the right and for some mysterious reason , the gestational sac was found in the left edge of the tube instead of falling into the ovary pit. And just to up his probability of non-existence, I experienced spot bleeding early in the morning a couple of days ago and had to repeat the ultrasound. We searched and searched but we can no longer find him. He might have washed away with the blood is the most likely explanation said the OB. So my doctor just to officially rule out the pregnancy’s viability recommended HCG levels monitoring for three days. If the levels are going up then the pregnancy might still be a possibility, he may just be in hiding so we were not able to see him earlier. If the HCG levels goes down, that confirms the miscarriage. The probability of him surviving is really almost nil. I am 41, had two caesarian operations , one miscarriage and my pelvic bone has been broken in a past accident of 16 years ago. At night when all is quiet, I had a chance to really talk to him, convey my sincerest apologies for my initial reaction. I told him to forget about the first day and that rest assure that if he did plan to come to this world, mommy will welcome him with open and loving arms. If he wants to fight this out, mommy will fight with him.  Tears have not stopped rolling down my eyes for the past 5 days , It has been a roller coaster of emotions mixed with bodily pains. And then last night, the first day’s HCG level was released. The trend is going up and the HCG level indicates pregnancy. If the value doubles today then a miracle is at work and we are in for a very long haul. There is hope., slim and most likely false but still …hope .
‘ Mommy, did you have a bad egg?’. That was Jena after hearing the news that the baby did not make it.
“‘Next time, mommy, when you have a baby, you make sure to hold on to it.”, that was Bonn with his disappointed tone.

“Yes, dears. I’m sorry, Bonn. Next time, I will….. I’m really very sorry…”