Saturday, April 4, 2015

Generosity and I

My sleeping routine has been a mess lately resulting to times like this when I am wide awake at 2:22 am wide awake and writing this piece on an  Easter Sunday.

I have never fully understood the saying that when you give more, you get more probably until now.
Of course, having been raised Catholic by my dear mother, she has always ingrained in us the importance of giving to charity and attending to the less fortunate. This is mostly driven from her experience of having totally none and dependent on relatives to survive.And out of all the people she have helped in her life from relatives to non-relatives to better their lives financially, she has been several times heartbroken because not most will be thankful. I would hear her complain about so and so being rude to her and ungrateful and how she could not fathom why their lives continue to be miserable despite all her assistance. But she is always at it, giving what she got even if she doesn' t have enough.

Money problems always stress me out.When I start my numbers crunching and comes to the conclusion that our income is less than our actual spend, I panic. My whole body tense and my emotions hype up to an all time high.I worry myself to a point that I can't sleep at night.
I remember a time in the past during which I  found myself at a situation when I can't pay my employees' salary for the month and have to close shop for my first and last little marketing business, my knees weakened. Prior to that episode, I have only read in books about how knees can tremble and shake from weakness to a point that you fall on the ground and can't get yourself to stand up. that was what happened to me. I hate money. I love doing things but I hate money. Money talks scare me.
I am never one for attending financial seminars or discussing investments that involves my personal undertakings. All the terms of my life insurance has been pre-negotiated by my mother. And now in investment for my kids' future, loans that we have to enter to, bills that need to be paid,  I let my husband do it because these things scare me. When I let myself go into the small details, I change to a totally different person, I become Mr. Scrooge by thinking how can you give away money to others that you don't have.

You have to share what you got if you don't have enough
It's a simple thing you can do with your friends and family , too.

Above are the lyrics of a song I have been teaching my pre-school (2-4 yo)  virtues class at my home every Mondays and Wednesdays for the entire month of March. The curriculum which focuses on one virtue per month was lifted off the Bahai inspired website
My primary motivation for starting the classes was my own children. And from these classes, I gained new  friendships with other moms in our condominium and playmates for my own kids.

I have always wanted to teach. Back when I was a new Chemistry graduate, I have considered teaching in universities as a career but for some reason, I ended up in the research field and eventually management roles. There was a time I have considered teaching management part-time in a university but my employer at that time has a policy against work outside the company.
And now, I am a teacher of something more than the subjects of Chemistry and Management.
 Every weekend, I  look foward to my sessions with the youth aged 14 to 17. Teaching them about moral values and the importance of growing  the spirtitual life have been quite fulfilling.

I sometimes reflect with my husband how I am doing so many volunteer work already and maybe its time to lay low given I'm also a working mom. And yet, deep inside me, I can feel change. I can't stop now. I don't cry and complain as much as I used to. I am developing calming techiques as I teach. I had succesful brief conversations with my husband about our money situation where I don't end up shouting or crying. Somehow, there resides in the deep recesses of my mind the assurance that everything is going to be all right. My kids will grow up all right.I don't have to worry all the time.

Another song I have taught the kids ,

" I'm a clean kid, I keep my life in order. I'm a clean kid, I wash my hands everyday."

I sing this with the kids a lot of times and somehow, it takes a whole new different meaning for me as an adult. It becomes a personal challenge to keep my life in order and to keep my heart pure every single day.

And my last children's song for you...

"Happiness is something that you give away, give away, give away.
Happiness is something that you give away and it comes right back to you."

To my husband and kids, thank you for all the happiness you give me. Happiness that I can share to others.