Today is May 15, 2011, a Sunday. I was supposed to have my caesarian operation this morning but for some reason, we had to delay it to tomorrow morning. Its 430 AM and like every day for the past week, I woke up in the middle of the night and couldn’t go back to sleep. And like always, writing helps in tiring my mind back to slumber mode.
I have been filled with anticipation and excitement for the birth of my son. In the past days, I have been staring at his photographed face from the ultrasound we had a couple months back. Last night, I also got to watch National Geographic’s “In the Womb” special detailing very vividly all the graphic details of fetal development to actual footages of live vaginal birth. I squirmed at the sight of yellow mucus and blood covering the baby’s hair as it eventually squeezed its entire body miraculously head first out of the small vaginal opening. It is at this visual presentation that I was glad I am having a CS operation. Even my OB-GYN doctor felt it was the right thing for me as she considered me the type with low pain tolerance. I smiled remembering now her remarks. Thoughts of my father, color drained out of his face and breathing rapidly to calm himself at the sight of his own blood coming out of a small cut from his hand, returned to me. I don’t think I am worse than my dad but surely I am indeed averse of physical pain. At the slight onset of pain, my mind panics and imagines the worse triggering more of the pain. That was indeed the case when I used to have those severe migraines from the cavernous angioma in the middle of my brain or when my blood pressure shoots up to 140 and more just days prior to my wedding. I can be so stressed to a point that I won’t be able to think things will be better. But they do get better particularly during the 9 months I was carrying my baby. Migraines, allergies and high blood pressures all became things of the past. I am, in fact, seemed to be healthier. Maybe it’s because as most psychologists and health practitioners of today and yesterday would agree to, our state of mind determines our physical state of being. The happier we are, the better our bodies’ immune system becomes.
The idea of dying during the operation did cross my mind. But unlike my previous thoughts of death, I don’t dread its coming. In the event of my demise, I would have been at the happiest point in my life. And I don’t worry about my son’s future as well. I know that he would be loved so much by my husband’s family as well as mine that negative thoughts at this time are completely unnecessary. In truth, I always look at the future now with much excitement and jubilee because I know for a fact that as long as we submit to HIS will and live our lives under HIS guidance, we need not know of worries and fears of tribulations to come.
A couple of years back, I remember questioning myself on whether I will be a good mother given my forgetfulness and selfish tendencies .And I know the answer now… “YES”. It’s really just a matter of choice and sticking to that decision. And I never thought it would be that simple. Of course the answer came with a lot of prayers and self-reflection but in the end, you will just know in your heart of hearts that we, instinctively and subconsciously have been created by GOD to be the best parents we could ever be. We should be really pretty screwed up in our childhood years to veer away from such destined calling. Fortunately for me, I can say I was brought up well and to the best knowledge of my parents. They may have had some hiccups in the process but we all do and in the end what would matter is that a child is loved.
Tomorrow I will be a full-fledged mom. Tomorrow I officially start my worldly duty to raise a child of GOD. Tomorrow begins my journey of service to mankind through the education of HIS precious gift.
“…I dedicate that which is in my womb unto Thee. Then cause it to be a praise-worthy child in thy Kingdom and a fortunate one by Thy favor and Thy generosity….”